25 Random Ways to Kill Sasuke
by Kyllex of Darkness
Summary: Have you ever wanted to kill Sasuke? But you don't know how? Well, just follow along with our demonstrations, and you'll succeed in no time! Cowritten by Sailx. Written for Club Kill Sasuke on gaiaonline. Each chapter features different members!
1. The First Attempt: Electrocution

Yay! Welcome to my newest story! Hope you enjoy!

Co-written by Isa-chan the Ninja.

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto!!! BLARGH!

**xxx**

"WELCOME TO '25 RANDOM WAYS TO KILL SASUKE'!!"

Two girls were sitting at a big wooden table in a very small and messy room. One of them had dark brown, curly hair, and the other's was only slightly wavy. They both had brown eyes, and you could tell they were sisters. Maybe even twins.

"My name is Kelly," The one with the curly hair spoke.

"And I'm Lisa!" Her sister said.

"And we're your hosts for this exciting new show! We hope you join us on our journey to kill Sasuke….25 TIMES!" Kelly exclaimed. The girls exchanged excited looks, and Lisa began to speak again.

"Our first attempt at killing Sasuke will be to….ELECTROCUTE HIM!" There was an applause that came from the audience…err…yeah.

"So, these are the items we will be using today!" Lisa gestured to Kelly, who began holding up the items one by one.

"A pitcher of water! Maid costumes! A key to Sasuke's house!" Lisa shouted out as the items were held up.

"Now, TO SASUKE'S HOUSE PLACEY THING!" The two began jumping up and down rapidly, they're bounce height getting increasingly higher, until they blast off into the air and to Sasuke's house!!

**xxx**

Kelly and Lisa were in disguise, as maids. They were currently trying to break into Sasuke's house…or rather, trying to figure out how to get the key out of the keyhole.

"It's….stuck!! Kelly, help me!" Lisa yelled, trying to pry the key out.

"I AM! You know what, this isn't working. Why don't we just climb through that window?" Kelly pointed to a window that was wide open.

"Oh. Good idea!" Lisa said, as the sisters climbed through the window.

When they got inside, they began searching for the kitchen. Why the kitchen you ask? Well, you'll just have to wait and find out…

"Sasuke. Stop snacking on that, you should have wheat bread instead. It's better for you!" Kelly and Lisa heard a voice say from the next room over.

"Greee! It's Orochimaru!" Kelly said, hiding behind the staircase.

"Did you just say 'Greee'?" Lisa asked.

"Yes…" Lisa stared at her.

"Well, anyway, judging by what Oro said, that room there should be the kitchen," Lisa said, pointing to a door on the side of the room.

"Right. Let's go in!" Kelly stood up, and Lisa followed suit. (Yes, they were sitting down)

They stumbled into the kitchen, and saw Sasuke sitting on a stool next to where the toaster was on the counter. Orochimaru had left the room.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my…house?" Sasuke asked the two strangers.

"Uh, we're your new maids! We came to..um…clean up the kitchen!" Kelly said, grabbing a broom out of nowhere.

"Oh. Orochimaru must have hired you." Sasuke said, turning back to the toaster.

The sisters shared glances behind his back, and Kelly nodded at Lisa. Lisa grabbed out her pitcher of water….

Sasuke turned around.

"Why aren't you cleaning?" he said angrily.

"Oh, right, uh, sorry…er…Master," Kelly tried to hold in a gag as she said the word. Both of them began cleaning.

"Why are you holding a pitcher of water?" Sasuke asked.

"Uh, to water the plants with. We don't have any of those…thingies…that you water plants with." Lisa said.

"Whatever. JEEZ, IS THIS TOAST DONE YET?" Sasuke yelled at the toaster.

_Do it now, Lise! Quickly, before he turns around again!_ Kelly said to Lisa telepatically. Lisa nodded and splashed the water all over Sasuke and his toaster.

"What the! Dang it, now my toast's all soggy!" Sasuke complained.

"What! Why didn't you get electrocuted??!?" Lisa exclaimed.

"What? You were trying to electrocute me?" Sasuke asked.

"Uh, no, not at all, _Master_." Lisa said.

"Yep! Now if you'll excuse us, Oro wants us to go clean the uh…living room. See ya!" Kelly grabbed her sister by the arm and they dashed out of the room.

When they were far away from the kitchen, they both layed down on the ground.

"That was close, you almost blew our cover!" Kelly said.

"Yeah. We should get out of here fast, before we get caught!" Lisa said.

"Wait! I need to rest. Attempting a murder is a lot of hard work." Lisa nodded.

They lay there for a few minutes, until they heard some noises coming from the top of the stairs.

"No, no, no! I said _royal blue._ Not navy! ROYAL!" They heard Orochimaru shout at someone else.

"Orochimaru-sama, I'm sorry, they didn't have royal blue…" They heard another voice say, frightened.

"It sounds like Kabuto…" Lisa whispered.

"Yeah.." Kelly answered.

"WELL THEN GO TO SOME OTHER STORE!!! DON'T JUST PAINT MY ROOM NAVY BLUE WHEN I ASKED FOR ROYAL! DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU??" Orochimaru spazzed out.

"No, no, Orochimaru-sama! I will fix it right away!" Kabuto stammered. Kelly and Lisa heard Orochimaru sigh and then footsteps coming down the long stairs.

"Oh no! We better get out of here," Lisa panicked. The two ran up to the front door and tried to open it, but it was….stuck?

"Aw man! It's stuck because the key is still jammed in it! Quick, through the window!!" Kelly pulled her sister to the window they had climbed through earlier, but it was gone.

"WHAT! Oh no, we're gonna be caught!" Lisa screamed.

"Who was that?" Orochimaru said. He was still coming down the stairs.

"Oh no! What do we do?" Lisa whispered.

"Lise, calm down. We can teleport, remember?" Kelly assured her. Lisa let out a long sigh of relief.

"Right. I forgot. Let's go," Kelly nodded and they bounced out of sight.

**xxx**

They were back in their "Headquarters".

"Man, that was close!" Lisa said, collapsing into her chair.

"You bet! Well, hopefully our next kill attempt will be more succesfull." Kelly said.

"Yeah. I still don't get how the window _dissappeared._ It was just there!" Lisa complained, pounding her fist on the table.

"Yeah, oh well." The two sat in silence for a couple seconds, wondering what to say next.

"GIRLS! WHO WANTS COOKIES??" They heard their mom shout from the first floor of their house. The two shot up out of their seats.

"WE'RE COMING!" they shouted down. "Whelp, we're gonna go get us some of those yummy cookies! See you all next time!"

They waved and ran down the stairs to go eat cookies.

**xxx**

END!

Yay! I hope that you all like it! Our next attempt to kill Sasuke will be….drowning him! Tune in next time!

Bye bye! Please review!


	2. The Second Attempt: Drowning

Yay! 'Tis the second chapter of this magnificent story!! xD Hope you enjoy!

Oh yeah, guest appearances in this chappie! WOOO!

They are Sarah, Sam, and Tim. They were the first three members of Club Kill Sasuke, besides myself and my sister. Their gaiaonline usernames are Genki-Girl, Teki-Teki, and kabakazes. (The club is on gaia, that's why I'm telling you this.)

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto, FOO!

**xxx**

"Okay, so we all know the plan, right?" Kelly spoke. Kelly and Lisa were in their room again, only the rectangular table had magically been replaced by a round one. The round table had 5 chairs around it, making room for three of their friends.

"Yep!" One girl said enthusiastically. She had long-ish blonde curly hair that fell down to above her waist. She also had glasses. Her name was Sarah.

"Uh-huh!" The girl sitting next to Sarah spoke. She had light brownish – strawberry blonde-ish hair that went down to the middle of her neck. She was Sarah's sister, Samantha, AKA Sam.

"Of course," the only male in the room said. He had spiky blue hair and black eyes, and despite his words, he had a sort of confused look on his face. His name was Tim.

Kelly and Lisa nodded, understanding that everyone knew what was to happen. (mostly)

"Alright! Club Kill Sasuke, dismissed!" Lisa shouted. Sarah, Sam, and Tim stood up and left the room to go to their "positions".

"How come we didn't invite the whole club to help?" Lisa asked Kelly after the others had left.

"Because, that's way too many people! Our room isn't that big, you know." Kelly answered.

"Oh, okay." Lisa said. "Well, we better go to our places now, or we'll mess up the whole plan." Kelly nodded in agreement and they bounced off to their positions.

**xxx**

"Oro-kun, pass the beach ball this way!"

"Now way, Sasuke-kun! You'll have to come and get it!"

Kelly and Lisa had just arrived at the pool. There they saw Sasuke, Orochimaru, and Kabuto swimming together and playing with a beach ball. It was all very childlike.

They looked around more and saw Sarah stationed in a tanning chair pretending to read a magazine. They also saw Tim swimming laps in the pool within hearing distance of the "desired prey". Sam was sitting in the Jacuzzi being burned to a crisp, but enjoying it.

"Okay, the mission has begun. Let's get in the water," Kelly said. Lisa nodded and they jumped into the pool, causing a huge splash that happened to hit Kabuto full-on.

Since all the members of Club Kill Sasuke could read minds, they could hear the pitiful complaining of Kabuto.

_Dang it! I got water in m eyes! I shouldn't have even come here. I'm being excluded. And __Sasuke__ is allowed to call him Oro-kun, when I have to call him __Orochimaru-sama__. How unfair!_

Kelly and Lisa laughed a little then went to the corner of the pool. They sent a telepathic signal to the club members, and the second attempt began.

Everything after that went so fast. Several things happened at once: Tim leaped onto Orochimaru, knocking him unconscious. Sarah ran and jumped into the pool, creating a big splash and a distraction. Sam yelled "SHAAAAARK!!" and Kelly and Lisa began to strangle Sasuke.

They began to dunk him into the water over and over again.

"What the…" Sasuke was speaking between gasps and dunks. "Hey……you two are….the….maids from….yesterday….what are….you….doing!"

"Shut up and die already!" Lisa shouted, giving him one last long push under.

Then, suddenly, they heard people screaming, and looked down at the should-be-dead Sasuke. They heard a gurgled noise that sounded like "Pickle Wings!" and Sasuke burst up through the water, thrusting Chidori in the air.

"Aah! Chidori!" Kelly screamed. Everyone edged away from Sasuke as he thrust the attack around aimlessly. Unfortunately for him, there was chlorine in his eyes, and his eyes were sensitive. So he missed everyone. Finally, his energy ran out and the Chidori vanished.

Sasuke was panting.

"You…YOU WILL PAY!" Sasuke was about to lunge at them, but he was interrupted.

"If everyone could please exit the pool at this time, public swim is now over." The lifeguard said. Sasuke scowled, grabbed Kabuto and the still-unconscious Oro-kun and stormed away, leaving Club Kill Sasuke in the water.

They stood there for a minute, silent, until Sarah spoke.

"Well, that didn't work out as planned." She said.

"You five, please exit the water," the lifeguard said again, slightly irritated.

"Yeah, well, anyone up for a swimming race?" Kelly suggested, completely ignoring the lifeguard.

"Sure!" Everyone agreed.

"I SAID. EXIT THE FREAKIN POOL!!!!" the lifeguard screamed crazily.

"Owwie! Stop it, you're hurting my ears!" Kelly complained like a five year old.

"I'll take care of it," Lisa said. She looked up at the lifeguard. The lifeguard glared back down at her. Then, lasers burst from Lisa's eyes and knocked her down from her lifeguard chair. The lifeguard screamed and ran away.

"Whoa, how did you learn to do that?" Sam asked.

"The Great Emily taught me how." Lisa stated.

"…Great Emily?"

"Long story. So, how bout that race?" Kelly said.

"Okay!" everyone said as they began their race.

**xxx**

Thank you everyone! Next attempt: Suffocation, VERSION ONE! (yes there will be 3 versions of suffocation…hehe)


	3. The Third Attempt: Suffocation

A/N: Hey everyone! I'm soooo sorry about not updating any of my fics in a long time. I've had writers block, and I've been busy. But here I am, finally attempting to write something at least remotely funny! xD

This chapter is Death by Suffocation. Lol.

Anyway, sorry again for the wait, and if any of you are readers of my other stories, I'm sorry about the wait for those too! I'm going to try to update The Two Troublemakers again soon. Maybe. Hehe. xD

This chapter features three other Club Kill Sasuke members, Davadi (Kyrakyu on gaiaonline), Rhiannon (Rihxy) and Noelle (Xonelel). If you're read my other stories you already know Rihx and Xonny. We're just using real names here. xD

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto!! LKFJASDFJAL!

xxx

"Here we are again, back at Club Kill Sasuke headquarters in the home of Kelly and Lisa!" Lisa shouted. Kelly and Lisa were once again sitting in their small room at the table, with three guests. These three, however, were not Sarah, Sam, and Tim. This time it was Rhiannon, Noelle, and Davadi.

"So, what's the plan for today, you ask?" Kelly said. "Well, it's SUFFOCATION!"

"Yay!" Noelle squealed.

"So, everyone, do we have all the supplies?"

"I don't know, let's check." Lisa stated.

"K. Marshmallows?" Kelly asked.

"Check!" Davadi said with a mouthful of marshmallows.

"Davadi! You're not supposed to eat them!"

"Sorry…"

"Anyway, plastic bags?" Kelly asked.

"Yep yep!" Rhi thrust two large plastic bags into the air.

"Good. I think that's all we need…but just in case, Noelle, do you have any mascara?"

"…Yeah, why?" Noelle asked, confused.

"Just wait. This'll be fun." Kelly smiled evilly as Noelle handed her some mascara. Lisa collected all the supplies and stuffed them into a small black bag.



"Can we just leave now?" Rhiannon complained.

"Yeah," Lisa agreed.

"Okay. Sure. Everyone knows where to go, right?" Kelly asked, looking around at everyone. Rhiannon, Lisa, and Davadi were nodding. Noelle looked unsure.

Kelly sighed. "Sorry Kewwy! I fell asleep when you were explaining…I didn't get to sleep until 3 in the morning last night." Noelle said.

"Ugh, whatever. Get Rhiannon to tell you, I don't feel like it. Well, I'm out of here! Meet you guys there!" Kelly nodded to everyone and bounced out of sight.

Lisa said, "See ya," and followed suit.

Davadi was wishing that he had bounce-teleportation powers when he ungratefully began to walk down the stairs and out of the house.

Rhiannon quickly ran through the procedure for Noelle, and then the two followed Davadi out the door.

Xxx

_Sasuke's House_

"Jeez. These past few days have been so chaotic. I hope those insane girls don't come and try to kill me again," Sasuke sighed. He was sitting in his room on his bed in Orochimaru's mansion.

"I hear you. The two of them broke my door by getting a key jammed into it! I'll have to get Kabuto to fix it for me." Orochimaru said. He was in Sasuke's room trying to find something he had lost.

Just then, Kabuto came walking in the door. "Orochimaru-sama, there's-" he began. He was immediately interrupted by Oro-kun.

"Oh! Kabuto! Just in time. I need you to fix that door, there's a key jammed into it and it won't open." Orochimaru said.

"It was already taken care of, Orochimaru-sama. But, there's a-" Kabuto was interrupted yet again.

"Great job! I'm proud of you. Here, take this." Orochimaru reached over and handed Kabuto something small and rectangular.

"…a McDonald's gift card?" Kabuto stared at it, puzzled.

"Yes." Oro-kun said. "Now, leave, you're distracting me from my work!" Orochimaru angrily began tossing random objects around the room in attempt to find whatever he was trying to find.

"But…there's…oh, whatever." Kabuto rolled his eyes and left the room. He descended down the stairs and went to the front door, where a boy stood.



This was the problem that Kabuto was trying to tell Oro-kun about. This kid was trying to convince him to buy some marshmallows.

"Listen, I don't want to buy any marshmallows, so just leave, okay?" Kabuto said to the boy.

"But…." The boy complained. "Look, they're really yummy!!" He stuffed a few in his mouth and smiled up at Kabuto pleadingly.

Kabuto sighed.

"They're only one dollar. And they're really good, too! Hey, you have a cool house! Can I come in??" the boy, who you should all know to be Davadi by now, pushed Kabuto aside and walked into the house with a look of wonder on his face.

"Hey! Look, kid, you can't just-"

"My name is Davadi, what's yours?" Davadi turned back to Kabuto.

"…Kabuto. My name is Kabuto. Now look, can you please just leave? I'll buy your stupid marshmallows." Kabuto said.

"You will? Yay! Okay, here." Davadi gave Kabuto the bag of marshmallows. Kabuto handed him a dollar bill.

"Thanks a lot, Kabuto. See ya!" Davadi ran out the door. Kabuto set the marshmallows down on a table and closed the front door.

Xxx

"What the-AH!" Sasuke jumped back away from the window. There were two insane looking girls pressed up against his window and staring in at him! One was blonde, and the other had auburn hair.

"I can't believe we have to pretend to be Sasuke's fangirls. We got the worst job!" Rhiannon complained. "_'You guys get to be fangirls because you're both in drama, and way better actors than any of us…' _whatever, Kelly just didn't want to do it!" she sighed. "And get your freaking hair out of my mouth!!"

"Sorry, the winds blowing it!" Noelle complained. Sasuke couldn't hear them through the thick glass windows.

Rhiannon turned back to Sasuke's room to see him staring back at them in horror. "Oh, he's seen us. Time to put on the act!" Rhiannon turned back to Sasuke and pretended to be hyperventilating from excitement.

_Who are these girls? And how do they know where I am?? Who told the fangirls my address?! _Sasuke panicked.



Noelle waved frantically at Sasuke through the window. He was trying to decide whether he should open the window or not, when there was a booming knock on his door.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun, open up!" Kabuto said. Sasuke sighed and went to open his door. Kabuto was standing there with a bunch of marshmallows.

"What happened to calling me 'Sasuke-sama'?" Sasuke asked, eyeing the marshmallows with curiosity. Kabuto stepped into the room.

"Are you kidding? I only have to be 'polite' when Orochimaru is around. Anyway, want some marshmallows?" Kabuto asked.

Outside the window, Rhi and Noelle were surveying the scene. "Uh oh, we can't let them eat all the marshmallows! We need them! Come on, bang on the window with me!" Rhiannon started to bang her fists on the glass window violently.

Noelle hesitated for a moment, but shrugged and joined in anyway.

Sasuke sighed and opened the window Noelle and Rhiannon fake-squealed and jumped into his room.

"What the…Sasuke! Why'd you let them in here!" Kabuto shouted as he watched Sasuke get tackled by the mysterious girls.

"I…don't…….knnnoow!" he said, pushing Noelle and Rhiannon off of him.

"Ooh! Are those marshmallows?" Rhiannon asked. She swiped them from Kabuto's hands (who whined) and began to stuff her face.

"Who are you and what are you doing here??" Sasuke asked the crazy girls.

"Oh, we are here to suff-" Rhiannon began saying. She was stopped when Noelle put her hand over her mouth.

"Uh, we are here to SAY that WE LOVE YOU! Yeah, that's it!" She said unconvincingly. Sasuke shrugged and took some marshmallows.

"Hey, these are good, where did you get these, Kabuto?" he asked.

"Some kid came by and asked me to buy them. He was being annoying so I bought them from him,"

"Oh, you mean Davadi??" Rhiannon asked excitedly. Noelle slapped her hand on her forehead.

"…yes, how did you-" Kabuto began.

"BAAANNNZAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" There was a crash, a boom, and a bang as two brunettes came flying through the window of Sasuke's room, plastic bags and mascara in hand.

"What! It's you two again!" Sasuke pointed and attempted to hide from Kelly and Lisa, who just laughed diabolically.

"That's right. This time, we've taken the direct approach instead of sneaking into this estate of yours. Now, Sasuke, PREPARE TO DIE!!" Kelly nodded to her comrades and the action began.

Rhiannon and Noelle lunged at Sasuke and stuffed several marshmallows into his open mouth. He started gagging and stumbled back, trying to swallow the food.

Unfortunately for Sasuke, there were so many marshmallows, that he couldn't even begin to digest them. He started pulling the gigantic fluffy treats out of his mouth, but was soon attacked by Lisa, who thrust a plastic bag over his head and tied it shut with a rubber band.

Kabuto stood stunned in the middle of the room. "S…sasuke?" he stared at the deranged girls. They all glared back at him, so he ran for it. The girls laughed.

"There. That ought to do it. This is so exciting! Maybe we've finally succeeded in killing Sasuke!" Kelly said. Everyone nodded and looked over to the boy in question. But he wasn't there. Instead, they found themselves staring at a pile of slobbery marshmallows, a rubber band, and a plastic bag.

"Oh my gosh! He turned INTO a marshmallow!!" Noelle screamed.

"No he didn't, you idiot, he got away! Dang it, I thought we had him." Lisa said, disappointed.

Kelly sighed. "Aww. I didn't even get to use the mascara,"

Rhiannon shrugged. "Oh well. At least we can say we tried. We'll just have to wait for the next time. Come on guys, let's go back home." The four jumped out the window with sullen faces and returned to the room.

When they got there, they met up with Davadi, who had missed out on all the fun.

"How'd it go? Did he die??" he asked, even though it was pretty obvious that he didn't by the look on all of their faces.

"No, stupid Sasuke got away." Rhiannon complained. "And I even told him I loved him! Yuck. This plan sucked."

"Hey! It didn't! We were just unlucky because Sasuke was apparently skilled in the art of getting rubberbands from around his neck." Noelle said.

"Oh well. Better luck next time, I guess," Davadi said.

"Yeah."

"What is the next attempt, anyway?" Noelle asked.

"…Stabbing,"

xxx

A/N:

..Okay, this chapter totally sucked. Sorry guys. But hey, I updated!

I HATE THE ENDING OF THIS CHAPTER, THOUGH. I'm really sorry guys for this piece of crap that is totally not even funny. And It's really short too. GRR. Oh well. Bye! Maybe you actually liked this, I donno.

Anyway next chapter is death by stabbing. I don't know how it will go, probably bad, but whatever. Review?


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